Surrender

"A certain darkness is needed to see the stars."

Phew! This past month has been a doozy. Between the emotional warring, the physical barrage of exhaustion and coldness (inside and outside), the suffering of deep sadness, and the inability to understand "why?" I am more than ready to show February the door. 

I spent a bit of time this morning looking into what I believed had to be the reason for all the turmoil around me. I have a tendency to think that when everything goes awry it must be because something is happening on a cosmic level. Ironically, I'm usually correct, in particular, this moment, this past month, and even the next month ahead. I'm not adept in astrology by any means but I do appreciate those who are, especially when I see what they are suggesting at work in my own life and those around me. 

Since the beginning of February we have been in the throes of an infamous Mercury Retrograde; a slowing down and a seemingly backward trajectory of the planet Mercury. Most people put blame on this celestial experience when their life goes topsy-turvy with communication break downs, cars breaking down, friends or family becoming ill, etc. The caveat being these things usually all happen at once, within days of each other. And they do. All of them. It's quite astounding, really. For example, in my world for the past month the following happened:: a dear friend of mine lost one of her closest, most dearest friend unexpectedly, another dear friend's young son was diagnosed with cancer, I lost a friend from lifetimes ago through tragic circumstances, a woman in my life that I love so dearly has been battling her third go 'round with cancer, my mother's illness has begun to spread again within her body, we've experienced disappointing communication break downs within our community leaving us with no choice but to rehome our Shetlands, my anxiety, which was relieved and seemingly healed after the birth of our baby, has resurfaced its fiery and toxic self leaving me paralyzed in fear and despair and unable to sleep at all soundly when I'm afforded the chance. It's brutal. It's dark. It's lonely. This, my friends, is Mercury in Retrograde.

Before I'd realized that a cosmic event was truly at work, I had been afforded the gift of "surrender" (so I thought). I had been feeling overwhelmed with grief and sadness for so many, for myself, for the world at large, that I finally had to surrender to it and actually feel it. This, of course, was when my anxiety persisted. Those gnawing, stabbing headaches started first, then the achy and twitchy muscles, followed by the horrific sense that "the other boot" was about to drop. Top that off with a pounding heart and racing thoughts and you've got a pretty clear image of me over the last few weeks. I surrendered to the sadness, to the reality that I couldn't fix or fade the sadness that those around me were feeling. But I didn't really surrender......I distracted. I did. I baked my ass off. I jumped in headfirst to find ways to push away the sadness and do something for those around me. This was my idea of surrender. This is not what real surrender looks like. I was on the right path when I realized that feeling the sadness that swelled within me was a way to surrender to it. Then, something in me wasn't up to the task so I (truly unknowingly) switched from feeling to doing, allowing me then to stop feeling. Make sense? Over the last week I was sure I was going to implode. If my heart beat any faster, if my mind raced any faster, they each would run right out of my body. Last night, my dear sweet husband came to my rescue. He helped me to surrender. I lay crying in bed, he came to our room knowing that I was neck deep in the trenches (he knew it before he even reached our room. Divine intervention?) He sat with my as I cried and cried. Deeply and thoroughly cried. He said the words out loud that I was too afraid to say to anyone. He heard me, even though I hardly said anything, he heard me. My love gently reminded me that it was OK to feel what I was feeling, to feel them, let those feelings swim around and take up residence, surrender to them. He reminded me that these feelings are a process to release; the pathway to reaching the other side of it all.

 His words reminded me of the spiritual warrior that I am and the gift we all possess to change our consciousness at will. 

I went to bed meditating on the ideas that all that I have felt these past few weeks have brought me deeper to understanding the fragility of life, the preciousness of it all. I'm turning my sadness in to awe by seeing these moments and measuring their worth and  that idea led me to this passage by Ralph Waldo Emerson.....

"Write it on your heart that everyday is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. 

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear with it's hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays."

.....and this song that I love so much::

I guess what I'm coming away with from this particular Mercury Retrograde is to surrender to love. Even when those around me are suffering, even when I am suffering, if I can truly surrender and just let it all wash over me, I'll be better off in the long run. My anxiety will have no place to hide because I can only believe that anxiety, fear, and sadness can not sustain itself in love. 

With a little help from my friends (literally and figuratively) I now have a plan that will support my emotional and physical body to overcome this exit out of the current cosmic pull into the next. This is all just one big mountain that needs climbing, and I can sense the summit is near. I am honored to climb this mountain with all its sharp and jagged edges because that means I am alive. I am alive to see and hold those that I love so well, to feel the world spin around me, to one day walk outside and feel the warm sunshine and grass under my toes (dreams of summer commence). In the meantime, I'll just keep working on my courage.

"Don't wait for something big to occur. Start where you are, with what you have, and that will always lead you into something greater. Love takes courage. Be Courageous." ~ Mary Manin Morrissey